From "latch-key kids" to "helicopter parents"
These two extremes are alive and well in Boomer parenting. And coming as no surprise, neither is a healthy or functional style.
Latch-key kids:
This is by far the largest number of Boomer parents, to this day. Harry Chapin's iconic song from our young adulthood says it all, and remains an unfortunate theme to our current parenting style.
Too many Boomers are not home when their kids are, and not our of necessity...out of choice to put making more money in order to afford more or more expensive things, ahead of quality child-rearing.
According to the U.S. census, one third of all school age children in the United States are, for some part of the week, latch key kids; that is, they go home to an empty house or apartment. The total number may be between five and seven million children between five and 13 years old. Marian Wright Edelman, the director of the Children's Defense Fund, thinks it's close to 16 million children. The Census Bureau found that 15% were home alone before school, 76% after school and 9% at night.
Helicopter parents:
On the opposite end of this dysfunctional spectrum, are Boomer parents of Millenials, who impose themselves on every aspect of their children's lives, from telling the little league coach when to put little Johnny in the game, to writing their college papers for them and calling the HR Department to ensure daughter Joanie gets hired.
According to Margaret K. Nelson, professor of sociology at Middlebury College and author of Parenting Out of Control: Anxious Parents in Uncertain Times, these are mostly upper-income parents who oversee and manage their children's lives, making decisions for them, running interference when the slightest life hiccup surfaces, living their own lives that those of their offspring.
Take the quiz to see if you have the makings of a helicopter parent...
Then, there's the ADD epidemic fueled by...us?
Latch-key kids:
This is by far the largest number of Boomer parents, to this day. Harry Chapin's iconic song from our young adulthood says it all, and remains an unfortunate theme to our current parenting style.
Too many Boomers are not home when their kids are, and not our of necessity...out of choice to put making more money in order to afford more or more expensive things, ahead of quality child-rearing.
According to the U.S. census, one third of all school age children in the United States are, for some part of the week, latch key kids; that is, they go home to an empty house or apartment. The total number may be between five and seven million children between five and 13 years old. Marian Wright Edelman, the director of the Children's Defense Fund, thinks it's close to 16 million children. The Census Bureau found that 15% were home alone before school, 76% after school and 9% at night.
Helicopter parents:
On the opposite end of this dysfunctional spectrum, are Boomer parents of Millenials, who impose themselves on every aspect of their children's lives, from telling the little league coach when to put little Johnny in the game, to writing their college papers for them and calling the HR Department to ensure daughter Joanie gets hired.
According to Margaret K. Nelson, professor of sociology at Middlebury College and author of Parenting Out of Control: Anxious Parents in Uncertain Times, these are mostly upper-income parents who oversee and manage their children's lives, making decisions for them, running interference when the slightest life hiccup surfaces, living their own lives that those of their offspring.
Take the quiz to see if you have the makings of a helicopter parent...
Then, there's the ADD epidemic fueled by...us?
Here's some tips for better parenting; remember that great parenting is fundamentally balance; between your needs and your children's, between ensuring they're safe and healthy, and letting them learn/grow in their own way (experience is, after all, the best teacher), between allowing them those things important to them/their peers but with healthy development vs. peer pressure as your guide, between bringing in the household bacon and giving your kids quality time daily.
TWEENS
Prepare yourself for the Teen Years
Pre-adolescence (generally ages 10-12; for some it can start as early as age 8) is the right time to be preparing yourself for your child's teen years - not once s/he is in the midst of the turmoil and confusion that goes along with that stage of development. This includes pieces of the next 3 area outlined below, so you'll know both what to expect and how to handle it when it arrives. It is positively the best investment you can make in your child's next 8 years (13-21), and in your peace of mind.
TEENS
Stop the Power Struggle
As your teen begins the natural process of challenging the established boundaries and your authority to impose them, power struggles can seem inevitable. But they're not. In fact, they are completely counter-productive - a lose/lose for all involved. Learn how to avoid them altogether, and disengage from those that presently exist.
Set the Right Boundaries
You already know that more freedom is appropriate now that your child is a teen - but how much is too much, how little is overly-protective, and how do you strike the balance? Appropriate boundaries change as your teen matures, so learn both the balance and how to adapt to his/her quickly changing inner world.
Cross Gender Parenting in the Teen Years
Now that your son or daughter is no longer a child, the opposite gender parent takes on an even more meaningful but confusing importance. This is particularly sensitive in blended families so prevalent for Boomers today. From influence on dating choices to your teen's embarrassment around his/her need for you (it seems too childish or silly), both of you may experience the natural struggle to understand the changing relationship and how to best handle it. Be not just conscious of this, but proactive about addressing it.
For Teens Going to College, Find the Right School for Who S/He Is
For decades, parents and their teens have lived the important but time-consuming"college search" - researching the best choice for the for his/her future and taking the well-known college campus tours. But:
a). s/he doesn't yet have a career goal, and
b). what type (culture) and size college is right for who your son/daughter is and what s/he needs as a person.
Sometimes the discussion ends quickly because the advice is coming from you - sometimes it gets lost in the desire to get your child into "the right" school regardless of its size, culture, or your child's inherent interests/strengths. Get the help you need to make this most important decision in a more objective and thoughtful way - so that your new college freshman is not one of the 50% who drop out in their first year - usually because they chose the wrong school for who they are.
YOUNG ADULTS
Preparing Well for the Work World
In this final transition stage, from adolescence to adulthood, many parents are realizing that college may have given their graduate the needed theory and practice of their major course of study, but did little to help him/her know how to handle the real-world work-place expectations, from job search to keeping the job once it's been won.
And more often than not young people fresh out of college are not only unrealistic about what to do and what it takes, but no way are they willing to listen to you (the "old person who hasn't lived in their world").
TWEENS
Prepare yourself for the Teen Years
Pre-adolescence (generally ages 10-12; for some it can start as early as age 8) is the right time to be preparing yourself for your child's teen years - not once s/he is in the midst of the turmoil and confusion that goes along with that stage of development. This includes pieces of the next 3 area outlined below, so you'll know both what to expect and how to handle it when it arrives. It is positively the best investment you can make in your child's next 8 years (13-21), and in your peace of mind.
TEENS
Stop the Power Struggle
As your teen begins the natural process of challenging the established boundaries and your authority to impose them, power struggles can seem inevitable. But they're not. In fact, they are completely counter-productive - a lose/lose for all involved. Learn how to avoid them altogether, and disengage from those that presently exist.
Set the Right Boundaries
You already know that more freedom is appropriate now that your child is a teen - but how much is too much, how little is overly-protective, and how do you strike the balance? Appropriate boundaries change as your teen matures, so learn both the balance and how to adapt to his/her quickly changing inner world.
Cross Gender Parenting in the Teen Years
Now that your son or daughter is no longer a child, the opposite gender parent takes on an even more meaningful but confusing importance. This is particularly sensitive in blended families so prevalent for Boomers today. From influence on dating choices to your teen's embarrassment around his/her need for you (it seems too childish or silly), both of you may experience the natural struggle to understand the changing relationship and how to best handle it. Be not just conscious of this, but proactive about addressing it.
For Teens Going to College, Find the Right School for Who S/He Is
For decades, parents and their teens have lived the important but time-consuming"college search" - researching the best choice for the for his/her future and taking the well-known college campus tours. But:
a). s/he doesn't yet have a career goal, and
b). what type (culture) and size college is right for who your son/daughter is and what s/he needs as a person.
Sometimes the discussion ends quickly because the advice is coming from you - sometimes it gets lost in the desire to get your child into "the right" school regardless of its size, culture, or your child's inherent interests/strengths. Get the help you need to make this most important decision in a more objective and thoughtful way - so that your new college freshman is not one of the 50% who drop out in their first year - usually because they chose the wrong school for who they are.
YOUNG ADULTS
Preparing Well for the Work World
In this final transition stage, from adolescence to adulthood, many parents are realizing that college may have given their graduate the needed theory and practice of their major course of study, but did little to help him/her know how to handle the real-world work-place expectations, from job search to keeping the job once it's been won.
And more often than not young people fresh out of college are not only unrealistic about what to do and what it takes, but no way are they willing to listen to you (the "old person who hasn't lived in their world").
And Finally....
Stop the Power Struggle; learn
Set the Right Boundaries; learn
For Cross Gender Parenting in the Teen Years;
- How to keep it from starting
- How to disengage once it's begun
- How to create a win-win (or the closest a teen will acknowledge...)
Set the Right Boundaries; learn
- how to determine too much and too little
- how to create a balance
- adapting to changing boundaries as your teen matures
For Cross Gender Parenting in the Teen Years;
- Understand the different needs/expectations of the other-gendered parent
- Openly your teen's embarrassment/confusion
- Use your influence with the "dating" scene
- Handle "crushes" on the part of your teen's friends
Boomers as Grandparents
According to Arthur Kornhaber, founder of the Foundation for Grandparenting in Ojai, CA and a psychiatrist who has studied grandparenting since the 1970s, "... the rules (of grandparenting) have changed..." For the 32 million Boomers who are already grandparents, the approach to this life-stage is distinctly different than that of our parents.
First, Boomer grandparents are younger: The average age of first grandparenthood for us is 47, according to AARP.
Second, we're vital and active. For instance, it is likely that we're still working, our activities with the grandkids are more rigorous like hiking, swimming and playing sports with them, and we stay current on technology so we can text them, and "friend" them on Facebook.
While according to the Census Bureau, there are fewer grandchildren per grandparent than at any time in U.S. history, most grandchildren in this age of divorce, remarriage, single parenthood and other family permutations, have more than four grandparents. So, differentiating between the assortment of grandparents may be one reason for the increase in the variety of nicknames, such as Nana, Lala, Mimi, and Popsy, vs the traditional Grandmom and Grandpop. Equally likely, however, is our desire to differentiate ourselves as grandparents, from our parents when they held the role, combined with our determination to be distinctive and ageless.
First, Boomer grandparents are younger: The average age of first grandparenthood for us is 47, according to AARP.
Second, we're vital and active. For instance, it is likely that we're still working, our activities with the grandkids are more rigorous like hiking, swimming and playing sports with them, and we stay current on technology so we can text them, and "friend" them on Facebook.
While according to the Census Bureau, there are fewer grandchildren per grandparent than at any time in U.S. history, most grandchildren in this age of divorce, remarriage, single parenthood and other family permutations, have more than four grandparents. So, differentiating between the assortment of grandparents may be one reason for the increase in the variety of nicknames, such as Nana, Lala, Mimi, and Popsy, vs the traditional Grandmom and Grandpop. Equally likely, however, is our desire to differentiate ourselves as grandparents, from our parents when they held the role, combined with our determination to be distinctive and ageless.
..and there's more....
Allan Zullo, author of A Boomer's Guide to Grandparenting provides more insights to the way our role as grandparents differs drastically from that of our parents':
"For way too many kids, the family life typified by the Cleavers, Stones and Andersons can be experienced only on Nick at Nite. An analysis by the Population Reference Bureau in 2003 revealed that just 36 percent of all families in the U.S. are considered traditional, where Mom and Dad preside over the nuclear brood. In fact, if Ward, Jim and Alex and their stay-at-home wives were raising the kids today, families like them, where Dad is the sole breadwinner, would represent only 13 percent of all married-couple households.
When we were kids, new friends asked each other, "What does your father do for a living?" Now the question asked is, "Does your dad live with you?" Children are far more likely to live with a never-married mother than we boomers ever were. Eleven percent of today's kids — nearly 8 million — live with one parent who has never married and another 15 percent, or about 11 million, are being raised by a divorced, single parent. An even larger share of U.S. children — about 40 percent — will live with their unmarried mother and her boyfriend some time before their 16th birthday, according to a study supported by the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development.
Over six percent of all children today — about 4.5 million — are living in their grandparents' home, according to the U.S. Census Bureau. And there's another challenge facing today's boomer grandparents. For the first time in history, a generation of grandparents will be caring for their parents."
"For way too many kids, the family life typified by the Cleavers, Stones and Andersons can be experienced only on Nick at Nite. An analysis by the Population Reference Bureau in 2003 revealed that just 36 percent of all families in the U.S. are considered traditional, where Mom and Dad preside over the nuclear brood. In fact, if Ward, Jim and Alex and their stay-at-home wives were raising the kids today, families like them, where Dad is the sole breadwinner, would represent only 13 percent of all married-couple households.
When we were kids, new friends asked each other, "What does your father do for a living?" Now the question asked is, "Does your dad live with you?" Children are far more likely to live with a never-married mother than we boomers ever were. Eleven percent of today's kids — nearly 8 million — live with one parent who has never married and another 15 percent, or about 11 million, are being raised by a divorced, single parent. An even larger share of U.S. children — about 40 percent — will live with their unmarried mother and her boyfriend some time before their 16th birthday, according to a study supported by the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development.
Over six percent of all children today — about 4.5 million — are living in their grandparents' home, according to the U.S. Census Bureau. And there's another challenge facing today's boomer grandparents. For the first time in history, a generation of grandparents will be caring for their parents."
