Dating at Our Age - Scary, Fun, or Just a Pain....?
Scary? Not at all, if you handle it right....
The element of dating that Boomers find scariest is how to go about finding Mr./Ms. Right, whether through a visit to your local pub, or, particularly, online.
Most would like to try online services, as they seem a bit more dignified than "picking up someone at a bar" - not even fine for kids these days.
But many Boomers who are currently dating, or have a friend who is dating, believe that finding someone online is for fools if not downright dangerous. And to this I say, Balderdash! As do many dating experts.
Most would like to try online services, as they seem a bit more dignified than "picking up someone at a bar" - not even fine for kids these days.
But many Boomers who are currently dating, or have a friend who is dating, believe that finding someone online is for fools if not downright dangerous. And to this I say, Balderdash! As do many dating experts.
So, I tracked down some excellent advice from dating expert Dr. Gail Saltz, seen and heard everywhere, from CNN & Fox, to Oprah, and both the NY & LA Times, who wrote on the top 5 myths about find dates online, specifically for us: Myth: "Most single people are much younger than me – it's much harder to find people my age."
Truth: The truth is that there are many more age-appropriate potential mates out there than people think. According to 2010 U.S. Census data, almost 30 percent of the 78 million Baby Boomers are single. Every day, thousands of those single Boomers venture online to find companionship.
Myth: "I should wait to join a dating site until I'm ready to get married again."
Truth: The 50-plus singles polled in a recent national survey tend to be less interested in marriage than they are in companionship and long-term relationships. Their main objective is simply to live life to the fullest, and find someone to share the good times.
Myth: "Online dating is risky."
Truth: Dr. Saltz tells singles that meeting online is no less or more dangerous than meeting someone for the first time in the real world; and either way, keeping a few simple tips in mind will ensure a safe and positive experience: 1). always meet in public and drive yourself to and from the first few meetings; 2). tell a friend about your plans; 3). Google your date's name in advance to see what comes up; 4). don't do anything that would impair your judgment like too much drinking; and finally, listen to your instincts; if something doesn't feel right, move on; the right person for you is out there somewhere.
Myth: "Online dating is expensive and takes a lot of time and energy."
Truth: Some of its main advantages are that online dating is efficient, convenient and cost-effective. You can take things at your own pace, from the comfort of your home, at any hour of the day or night. This allows you to expand your pool of potential matches and be in control of when, where and how you meet other singles.
Myth: "People will judge me if they know I am dating online."
Truth: These days, everyone knows someone who met their mate online. And the results are often extremely positive: one in five new relationships and one in six new marriages began with an Internet date. In the last year, the number of dating site users 50 years of age or older has grown twice as rapidly as any other age group. And, bottom line, friends and family will be thrilled to learn that you are actively seeking companionship, in a new way that works for you.
Truth: The truth is that there are many more age-appropriate potential mates out there than people think. According to 2010 U.S. Census data, almost 30 percent of the 78 million Baby Boomers are single. Every day, thousands of those single Boomers venture online to find companionship.
Myth: "I should wait to join a dating site until I'm ready to get married again."
Truth: The 50-plus singles polled in a recent national survey tend to be less interested in marriage than they are in companionship and long-term relationships. Their main objective is simply to live life to the fullest, and find someone to share the good times.
Myth: "Online dating is risky."
Truth: Dr. Saltz tells singles that meeting online is no less or more dangerous than meeting someone for the first time in the real world; and either way, keeping a few simple tips in mind will ensure a safe and positive experience: 1). always meet in public and drive yourself to and from the first few meetings; 2). tell a friend about your plans; 3). Google your date's name in advance to see what comes up; 4). don't do anything that would impair your judgment like too much drinking; and finally, listen to your instincts; if something doesn't feel right, move on; the right person for you is out there somewhere.
Myth: "Online dating is expensive and takes a lot of time and energy."
Truth: Some of its main advantages are that online dating is efficient, convenient and cost-effective. You can take things at your own pace, from the comfort of your home, at any hour of the day or night. This allows you to expand your pool of potential matches and be in control of when, where and how you meet other singles.
Myth: "People will judge me if they know I am dating online."
Truth: These days, everyone knows someone who met their mate online. And the results are often extremely positive: one in five new relationships and one in six new marriages began with an Internet date. In the last year, the number of dating site users 50 years of age or older has grown twice as rapidly as any other age group. And, bottom line, friends and family will be thrilled to learn that you are actively seeking companionship, in a new way that works for you.
Click on the pic for a list of well-vetted online dating sites...
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Moving dating from "just a pain" to fun, while staying safe...
For many...or most... of us, we've left a marriage of up to 35 years, so the last time we dated was in college... and now that we're single once again after decades of marriage, we are finding ourselves trepidatious about being back on the "dating scene" (to put it kindly - for some Boomers I've interviewed, feelings range from distraught at the thought of having to date again, to a "why bother - nothing's going to come of it anyway" sense of futility before they even start...).
So here's some tips from me for making the experience more enjoyable, and safe.
We date in the hope of finding someone who holds the same basic values and interests as our own. So make this goal your primary focus right up-front.
Get a handle on what your date really likes to do and her/his fundamental values in life, then you’ll know right away if this is someone to go out with again…and again… You don’t want your first date or pre-dating experience to sound more like an interview, but subtly, it sort of is. Learn the right questions to ask, and the right way to ask them so you don’t sound like Joe Friday, but you do get this basic information in the beginning.
You’ll only set yourself up for chronic disappointment if you lie or even “stretch the truth” about who you are –
age, body size, still having children at home, etc. are the most common things many people try to hide initially, thinking erroneously that “once my date actually meets me, it will make a big difference…” It does indeed make a big difference – your date will be immediately turned off and you won’t see him/her again. This goes back to tip #1 – you want someone who shares your values and interests, which you won’t find by lying.
This experience is called “dating” rather than “let’s rent a UHaul!” for a reason –
it gives us a chance to meet new/different people and give ourselves the time to find Mr. or Ms. Right. Back to the job-search analogy in tip #1, only very desperate people take the first job that comes along – those who make thoughtful career moves search until they find the right match for all their work-place criteria. Finding someone who is a possible mate is no different. So enjoy the dating – it’s fun, it allows you to have lots of new experiences, and most importantly it’s the best, no it’s the only way to make the right choice that won’t lead to divorce #?
So here's some tips from me for making the experience more enjoyable, and safe.
We date in the hope of finding someone who holds the same basic values and interests as our own. So make this goal your primary focus right up-front.
Get a handle on what your date really likes to do and her/his fundamental values in life, then you’ll know right away if this is someone to go out with again…and again… You don’t want your first date or pre-dating experience to sound more like an interview, but subtly, it sort of is. Learn the right questions to ask, and the right way to ask them so you don’t sound like Joe Friday, but you do get this basic information in the beginning.
You’ll only set yourself up for chronic disappointment if you lie or even “stretch the truth” about who you are –
age, body size, still having children at home, etc. are the most common things many people try to hide initially, thinking erroneously that “once my date actually meets me, it will make a big difference…” It does indeed make a big difference – your date will be immediately turned off and you won’t see him/her again. This goes back to tip #1 – you want someone who shares your values and interests, which you won’t find by lying.
This experience is called “dating” rather than “let’s rent a UHaul!” for a reason –
it gives us a chance to meet new/different people and give ourselves the time to find Mr. or Ms. Right. Back to the job-search analogy in tip #1, only very desperate people take the first job that comes along – those who make thoughtful career moves search until they find the right match for all their work-place criteria. Finding someone who is a possible mate is no different. So enjoy the dating – it’s fun, it allows you to have lots of new experiences, and most importantly it’s the best, no it’s the only way to make the right choice that won’t lead to divorce #?
Your first date is just a “getting to know you” moment, so do yourself a favor and place no more of an expectation on it than that.
Meet for just a drink/coffee rather than making plans for an entire evening – that way if after the first 15 minutes either of you are looking for an exit through the bathroom window, you won’t have to sit through more than the cocktail or coffee in front of you. If you don’t feel comfortable having no reason other than “thanks for the drink & gotta go now…” for ending the date, plan preliminary dates at a time that you truly have things you must do afterward – for example on a work night so you can honestly say “I better get home to prepare for work tomorrow…” On the up-side, if you both find yourselves enjoying the time together, you can certainly stay for more or make plans for date #2!
Whether you choose internet dating or finding someone through your church or social group, keep your personal contact information to yourself until you’ve been able to determine a prospective date’s stability.
There are many services that provide a free or low cost phone number and email address that you can give people you don’t know well yet. Do not be one of the many who find themselves being harassed at home, on their cell, by email, or at work because they gave someone they hardly knew their personal contact information thinking there’d be no harm in it.
Take your time and don’t feel pressured to jump into bed on the first date –
or the third, or until you’re married if that’s your preference. Moving too quickly to the next level is the death knell for a quality experience: if you find you’re with the wrong person, it makes getting out of it much messier & difficult; if you’re truly with the right person, you make having sex more important than having a deep friendship along with your lover relationship, which can set you up for trouble later on. For most of us, feeling that initial attraction and acting on it right away is what got us into the failed relationships that have led us to the dating scene now. Don’t keep making the same mistake.
Meet for just a drink/coffee rather than making plans for an entire evening – that way if after the first 15 minutes either of you are looking for an exit through the bathroom window, you won’t have to sit through more than the cocktail or coffee in front of you. If you don’t feel comfortable having no reason other than “thanks for the drink & gotta go now…” for ending the date, plan preliminary dates at a time that you truly have things you must do afterward – for example on a work night so you can honestly say “I better get home to prepare for work tomorrow…” On the up-side, if you both find yourselves enjoying the time together, you can certainly stay for more or make plans for date #2!
Whether you choose internet dating or finding someone through your church or social group, keep your personal contact information to yourself until you’ve been able to determine a prospective date’s stability.
There are many services that provide a free or low cost phone number and email address that you can give people you don’t know well yet. Do not be one of the many who find themselves being harassed at home, on their cell, by email, or at work because they gave someone they hardly knew their personal contact information thinking there’d be no harm in it.
Take your time and don’t feel pressured to jump into bed on the first date –
or the third, or until you’re married if that’s your preference. Moving too quickly to the next level is the death knell for a quality experience: if you find you’re with the wrong person, it makes getting out of it much messier & difficult; if you’re truly with the right person, you make having sex more important than having a deep friendship along with your lover relationship, which can set you up for trouble later on. For most of us, feeling that initial attraction and acting on it right away is what got us into the failed relationships that have led us to the dating scene now. Don’t keep making the same mistake.
Relationships Boomer Style
Our approach still trending
Divorce
We brought respectability to divorce; no staying in bad marriages for us. It was one of the many "freedoms" we perfected... Not that earlier generations didn't divorce, but it was too seldom undertaken given the stigma it created primarily for women. Boomers changed that, spurred by the women's liberation movement; once women decided they would no longer be held down, both in the workplace and at home, with those vanquished shackles went their accepting any stigma around getting a divorce.
As a result, today over half of marriages end in divorce; Boomer divorces take up 25% of them. This also had an unanticipated side-effect: "serial marriages" once known only to (and snickered at) Hollywood celebrities like Liz Taylor and Zsa Zsa Gabor. So, in our younger years, many of us married rather than dating; ask any Boomer how many times they've been married and more often than not the answer will be "2" or "3"...
Not to say that some remained in bad marriages like our parents' generation, usually "for the kids" - but our generation is also the first to have many childless marriages by choice, thus the freedom to leave when the going gets rough.
Finally, however, we've smartened up and revived another trend we started, and it makes much more sense.
We brought respectability to divorce; no staying in bad marriages for us. It was one of the many "freedoms" we perfected... Not that earlier generations didn't divorce, but it was too seldom undertaken given the stigma it created primarily for women. Boomers changed that, spurred by the women's liberation movement; once women decided they would no longer be held down, both in the workplace and at home, with those vanquished shackles went their accepting any stigma around getting a divorce.
As a result, today over half of marriages end in divorce; Boomer divorces take up 25% of them. This also had an unanticipated side-effect: "serial marriages" once known only to (and snickered at) Hollywood celebrities like Liz Taylor and Zsa Zsa Gabor. So, in our younger years, many of us married rather than dating; ask any Boomer how many times they've been married and more often than not the answer will be "2" or "3"...
Not to say that some remained in bad marriages like our parents' generation, usually "for the kids" - but our generation is also the first to have many childless marriages by choice, thus the freedom to leave when the going gets rough.
Finally, however, we've smartened up and revived another trend we started, and it makes much more sense.
Cohabitation
A recent study by Susan Brown, co-director of the National Center for Family and Marriage Research at Bowling Green State University, Jennifer Roebuck Bulanda, a sociology professor at Miami University, Ohio, and Gary R. Lee, a sociology professor at Bowling Green that's been making the media rounds indicates that cohabitation among people ages 50 and older has grown from 1.2 million in 2000 to 3.3 million in 2013, and continues to rise. (use this link to view on of the many articles on the subject).
Makes sense as we were the ones starting the craze in the first place. At last we've gotten the message that getting married is no guarantee of happiness or relationship longevity, so those who don't want to be alone, really dislike dating, or have in fact found Mr./Ms. Right, have at last eschewed the aisle walk for a more practical alternative.
A recent study by Susan Brown, co-director of the National Center for Family and Marriage Research at Bowling Green State University, Jennifer Roebuck Bulanda, a sociology professor at Miami University, Ohio, and Gary R. Lee, a sociology professor at Bowling Green that's been making the media rounds indicates that cohabitation among people ages 50 and older has grown from 1.2 million in 2000 to 3.3 million in 2013, and continues to rise. (use this link to view on of the many articles on the subject).
Makes sense as we were the ones starting the craze in the first place. At last we've gotten the message that getting married is no guarantee of happiness or relationship longevity, so those who don't want to be alone, really dislike dating, or have in fact found Mr./Ms. Right, have at last eschewed the aisle walk for a more practical alternative.
